this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The best revenge is premature balding
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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