did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Jerry, you need to find god
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
