I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
