i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
