Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
