Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
