The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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