He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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