The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
