Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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