where am i from again
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
