I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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