I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
