You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
