sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
