if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
