I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
