New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
