honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
