I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
