when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
