There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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