Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Come on in and take your pants off
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