I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
