I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
