party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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