Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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