Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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