Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
