just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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