why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
