I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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