DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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