so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
