i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
