I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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