you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
