Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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