Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
