The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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