i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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