By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
