Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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