Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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