i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
