Apparently you make a good broom.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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