Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
