I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
