Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
