So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
